So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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