I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
