Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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