Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
