How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
