This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
