This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Your penis caused this!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
