yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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