I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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