so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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