I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
