I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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