have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
