I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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