I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
