Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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