Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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