I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
