Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
