i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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