I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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