I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
