Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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