i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
