This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
