Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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