It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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