It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
