i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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