you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
