I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
