I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
