I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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