Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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