How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
