if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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