An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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