textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
