If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
