so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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