just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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