He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
