I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I need to stop coming to work sober
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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