I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
