arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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