last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
