Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
