I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
