i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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