Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
