Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize