Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
