I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Green mimosas i think yes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I smell like Dick and happiness
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
