I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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