so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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