I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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