My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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