Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
