I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
