Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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