She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
